By: Matthew D. Dyer
“A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.” – Proverbs 18:19
When a Christian is offended by another Christian, either by sinning[1] against them, or a non-sinful offence where someone is insulted, trying to win that person back and heal that offense takes hard work on behalf of both parties involved. It’s hard work for the offended to reach out to the offender and attempt to heal the offense and be willing to forgive them, rather than taking the common road of doing nothing about it and losing the friendship. It’s equally hard on the part of the offender because they need to humble themselves, realized they did a wrong and repent of the offense. It is not always an easy task and can be more difficult than trying to take control of a city or a castle with a legion of men, as Proverbs 18:19 implies. The sad part about conflicts among Christians is that very rarely is any effort put forth to correct the offence or the perceived insult. In most cases the offender and the offended write each other off completely and then puff themselves up with pride about how they were right and have done no wrong, which leaves the relationship broken forever.
What I am going to present in the following pages is Scriptural instruction and principles on how to mend conflicts with fellow Christians and reveal how it is our duty to do so in order to bring unity within the Body of Christ. To refuse to make an attempt to heal an offense is a SIN according to the words of Jesus. It is not optional. This is not to say that every attempt will always end successfully, but a sincere effort must be made, and even if unsuccessful it will provide others with the proper example of how we are to conduct ourselves.
Jesus knew conflicts would arises between Christians, and knowing this He gave very simple to understand (not always easy to perform) instructions in the Gospel of Matthew on how to deal with offences within the Body of Christ, specifically within the local Church. He said the following in Matthew 18:15-17:
“Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.”
It’s important to point out that these instructions are given to Christians within a local congregation with an established Church government and leadership. It is possible to glean principles from this passage and utilize them outside of a local congregation setting, but it must be understood that these instructions would have to be modified in order to do that, and will lose some of there effectiveness, and technically you would not be able to fulfill this command to its fullness. Which displays the importance of being apart of a Biblical congregation.
Step #1:
The first step you are to do when a fellow Christian has sinned against you is to confront that person face-to-face in private, and explain to them the perceived offense that you believe has taken place using the Bible as your reasoning the offense is wrong. For example, if you have reason to believe the offender is spreading gossip about you, than you can come to that person with the evidence[2] that you have and also present to them the Scriptural evidence for why it is a sin.[3] By using only the Bible to explain what the sin is, this will prevent anyone from calling things a sin, which are not.
By confronting the offender about the sin this prevents the offended from bottling this issue up, and leaving it un-resolved. I’ve known people who continue to remain friends with the offender for years or perhaps decades, and never sits down and performs step #1 and explains their issue with that person. This is extremely unhealthy for the offended, because this bottled-up contention can lead to bitterness in that person, and the offended’s feelings will leak out over time and will be received by the offender, but they won’t have a clue what the issue is and will have to wonder what the problem is. What often happens is in time the offended will erupt like a volcano and then bring out all the issues they have had with the offender in one conversation, which leads to even more strife and conflict, and normally the friendship ends badly at this point.
It is very important to be sure when the offended approaches the offender, that they do not come across aggressive during this conversation in anyway. This will only make things worse, and add fuel onto the fire of this conflict. The offended must come to the table in an attitude of wanting to heal this issue, and not in a spirit of pride and haughtiness. So make sure you have offered much prayer concerning this conversation, and that you are in the proper mind and have self-control over your emotions before proceeding with step #1.
Proverbs 15:1 states:
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”
After the offended has engaged in conversation with the offender and things are aired out, they may realize the offense they thought took place was simply a misunderstanding, and forgiveness can be extended, and the issue is resolved. From my experience, most offenses are misunderstandings from one or both parties, and are completely resolved in step #1.
Step #2:
If step #1 fails, and the offender does not wish to reconcile the issue that was presented to them, then the offended is instructed to bring with him two Christian brethren to act as witnesses for a second attempt to reconcile the issue. For this step, I believe it is wise for the two witnesses to be wise, have a good reputation in your congregation, and have the respect of both the offended and the offender if possible. Perhaps the two witnesses could be the Pastor and another elders of the congregation. The reason for this is you want to attempt to avoid the 2nd meeting appearing like the offended and these two witnesses are a “ganging up” to come bully the offender. Remember, the goal is to correct the trespass that the offender has made, and to make this conflict go away. So, having wise counsel present as the two witnesses will make the chances for success increase drastically.
Proverbs 12:15 states:
“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.”
Step #3:
If step #2 fails, and the offender refuses to see and correct his wrongful actions then the whole conflict must be brought before the Church, along with the witnesses, and the whole Church [4] has to speak with him and attempt to rebuke him for his wrongdoing. If the offender still refuses to repent, then the Church is commanded to cast the offender out from the local congregation and treat him as you would a non-Christian. This does not mean you mistreat this person, it does not mean you don’t talk to them, all it means is they are no longer a part of that local congregation and should be treated as an outsider in that sense. The punishment for the offender if they refuse to repent after three attempts is still designed to help correct the offense, because it will encourage the offender to reconsider repentance in order to get right with the Lord and rejoin the congregation. If the offender returns and is truly repentant, they should be fully forgiven, and the matter should be closed.
[1] A sin a transgression of God Law (1 John 3:4).
[2] The evidence to the sin needs to be two or more witness (Deuteronomy 19:15).
[3] Leviticus 19:16, Proverbs 16:28, Proverbs 20:19, 2nd Corinthians 12:20, etc.
[4] I do believe the context of the Church in Matthew 18 is speaking of all the Elders of the congregation, not a meeting in front of every member of the Church since it is the Elders of the congregation who are to lead the congregation, and not every single member. I believe a meeting with every member questioning the offender could lead to a larger conflict within the Church.
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